Around My Head
by CharlieStardust
Summary: "Normal people knock on the door of other people's houses and wait to be let in before they enter, but not me and Craig. You see, we're bros, and bros don't knock on the door. Bros just let themselves in." Warnings: ADD narration, boys kissing, Cryde.


Disclaimer: Don't own. Blah blah.

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><p>Hi, my name is Clyde and I'm currently freezing my ass off outside my best friend's house. Perfect facebook status.<p>

It's not unnormal for me to just walk over to Craig's house unannounced. Unnormal. Is that even a word? I don't even know. Craig's the one who's good with words. Anyway, I usually show up at his house unannounced and uninvited, especially when my parents are fighting. And Craig usually doesn't seem to mind. Usually. Sometimes he does, but I'm hoping this time isn't one of those times.

Normal people knock on the door of other people's houses and wait to be let in before they enter, but not me and Craig. You see, we're bros, and bros don't knock on the door. Bros just let themselves in. Which is exactly what I'm doing. And sweet baby Jesus is it warm in here!

I notice that Craig's house is empty, which doesn't really surprise me. I remember him saying something about his parents and sister going to visit some relative or something. I can't even really remember now. Point is, Craig should be the only one home. And if I know him, which I do, then he's most likely in his room being a hermit.

See, Craig doesn't really like the outdoors or people, so he spends most of his time in his bedroom. Or other people's bedrooms. Wait, that sounds wrong. Never mind. But yeah, he spends most if not all of his time indoors.

I take off my coat and gloves and just throw them on the floor before running up the stairs to Craig's room. I don't knock on his bedroom door either. All doors are included in the "bros don't knock" rule. I just walk right in and notice a big person-shaped lump on the bed.

Great, he's sleeping.

That doesn't stop me though. Craig's my bro, he'll understand. I walk over and quickly shake him awake (Craig's a light sleeper too). He kinda blinks at me a bit before giving me a really dirty look, like a if looks could kill look. And that look kinda freezes me a bit. I mean, Craig can be kind of intimidating sometimes, especially when angry. I just give him a huge smile though and he calms down pretty quick.

"What are you doing here?" He kind of growls, but I'm pretty sure it's just because he's tired. I try to keep the smile on just in case though.

"We were supposed to hang out today, remember?" I place my hands on the edge of the bed and kinda lean over him to make sure he's actually looking at me.

"No. No, I don't remember that." He doesn't really look angry anymore, so I drop the fake smile and motion for him to scoot over. He does, and I climb into bed right next to him, my back and shoulders propped up by the headboard.

"Okay, so we weren't supposed to hang out today. I just needed somewhere to go." It was kinda stupid to lie, but whatever. "Besides, it's four thirty in the afternoon. You just gonna sleep all day?"

I cross and uncross my legs and clasp my hands in my lap. I don't know why I'm feeling so fidgety. Craig doesn't seem to notice though. I jump a little when he moves to sit up next to me. Our shoulders bump a bit, which makes me fidget even more. I mean, me and Craig get close a lot. We're bros, it's what we do. But lately it's just been making me uncomfortable, like I've been having all these weird thoughts and my stomach knots up and I know why but I just really don't want to admit it to myself. I'm not emotionally ready for that shit, and I've been trying to act normally, but it gets really hard sometimes.

"- video game or something." Oh yeah, Craig was talking.

"What?"

"I said do you want to play a video game or something?" He says every word really slow like I'm stupid, which he probably thinks I am and because he's the king of sarcasm.

"Nah, I'd rather just watch a movie." Truth is, I don't feel like doing anything that involves movement. Plus, whenever me and Craig play video games, we always end up wrestling or doing something that involves excessive touching. Wait, that sounds wrong too. Never mind. But yeah, I just don't feel like dealing with that right now.

"Alright, which movie?" Craig kinda gestures to his movie collection. His enormous movie collection.

"You pick." The pile is kinda scary, and I don't really feel like sorting through a million movies I've never heard of.

I kinda end up regretting that decision though. We end up sitting on the floor resting against the footboard of his bed watching some old ass movie he picked. Craig's all about old horror movies. I think they're pretty stupid – I mean, how can something so grainy with crappy special effects be scary? His movies are never gory either. There's never blood or anything. I mean, come on. I need something to work with here. It's either gotta have blood, something jumping out at me, or tits. That's all I ask.

But I'm rambling. Anyway, so we're sitting against the footboard of his bed, and I notice that he's leaning back on his hands, so his right hand is pretty close to me. Like I could just set my hand down right on top of it if I wasn't paying attention. But I am paying attention. I'm paying a lot of attention. Just not to the things that I should be paying attention to. Like, I have no fucking clue what the name of the movie I'm fake-watching is. I don't even know what it's about. And if I were to start watching right now, I would probably be hella lost. I_ am_ paying attention to how close Craig's hand is to me though. And how I've suddenly set my own hand down next to his. He hasn't noticed though. He's too busy paying attention to the movie, the movie I should be paying attention to. But instead I'm paying attention to how the TV screen is lighting up Craig's face and how he goes kinda wide-eyed when he's concentrating on something, like if he opens his eyes wider he'll be able to see more or something. Which I guess is probably true, but still.

I sorta inch my hand closer to his without even thinking about it, but I keep watching his face just to make sure he doesn't look. I wouldn't want to get caught. I just inch closer and closer until our pinkies touch. He doesn't move though. He doesn't look at me either, which I guess is a good thing. So I place my hand a bit over his, and he still doesn't move. I keep watching his face, but he's still too into the movie to notice what I'm doing. You know how I can tell? He also opens his mouth a bit when he's really focused on something. That's one of the only times he opens his mouth other than when he's talking. He usually keeps it shut because he's really self-conscious about his teeth. I used to think Craig was really confident, like he didn't care about what anyone thought of him just because that's how he acts most of the time. But then I realized he hates his teeth and doesn't like anyone seeing them. That made me realize he's just like everyone else, no matter how hard he tries to deny it or act like he isn't. He's a lot like the people he hates. He has insecurities and flaws just like them.

I think that might be what made me like him more.

So by now, my hand is completely covering his, and I kinda curl my fingers into his. I jump a little when he does the same and check his face, but he's still really into the movie. I wonder if he even knows what he's doing. He starts rubbing along the side of my hand with his thumb though which makes me think that he does. Unless he's doing it unconsciously or something.

I stare at his face a little, at how it's lit up and how the lights from the TV are flashing and reflecting off his eyes and how his mouth is kinda open even though he hates his teeth, and I'm thinking that he's kinda beautiful. And I don't care that I'm not supposed to think that way, a little because he's a boy and boys aren't supposed to be beautiful but mostly because he's my best friend and guys shouldn't think that about their best friends. But I don't care anymore because I think my best friend's beautiful, and before I know it I'm kissing him.

I grip his hand tighter and just kinda lean against him, pressing my mouth against his which I remember was kinda open before I started doing this. I kiss him for a little bit before I pull back and lean in front of him to watch his face, but he just sorta stares at me. His mouth is open a bit and his eyes are wide and now I wonder if he's paying attention to me. Or maybe his brain is broken.

He doesn't say anything though. He just stares. So I sit back against the footboard and tilt my head back. I can still feel his hand in mine, and it's making me feel sick, so I close my eyes and hope it passes and pray that I didn't fuck everything up.

I start to feel weird just sitting there with my eyes shut though, so I open them and look back at Craig. But now I wish I hadn't because he's still watching me. He still looks like he's paying attention to something, and for once I wish it wasn't me. I just want him to say something.

But then I blink and everything's back to normal. He's back to paying attention to the movie. I guess I imagined all that. I don't think I mentioned but I sometimes have an overactive imagination, something my parents didn't get much enjoyment out of when I was a kid. They said I used to think up all sorts of monsters and beasts and would run screaming to their room almost every night crying about something new.

I also notice that Craig's hand isn't in mine anymore. I guess I imagined that too. But now I'm confused. If I imagined it, does that mean I want it to happen? I can't think of any other reason I would imagine something like that.

I look at Craig again and see that he's still watching the movie. I look at the screen but can't figure out what's going on. There's just some lady with red hair and some dude with silver skin talking about something I don't care about - no, they're talking about love. The silver dude's in love with the ginger. Should I care about love? The thought makes me feel sick to my stomach, like really sick, so I stand up to go to the bathroom.

I hear Craig's voice right before I reach the door. "Where are you going?" He says it in that monotone way that he says everything. I look back at him, and he's watching me. His hat's pushing his hair in his face a bit, and I kinda want to go over and push it back for him, but I don't. Instead I mumble something about the bathroom and rush out the door. I can sort of hear him call something about pausing the movie after me, but I ignore him in favor of sprinting down the hall.

As soon as I reach the bathroom, I drop to my knees in front of the toilet but realize that I don't even feel sick anymore. Has that ever happened to you? You feel like you're gonna puke your guts up while you're running to the bathroom, but as soon as you get there, BAM – you're fine.

I get up slowly and run some cold water in the sink to splash on my face. I'm starting to feel really stupid about everything. I keep running everything over in my head but just can't get a grasp on it. I feel like I should go and finish watching the movie, but I really don't want to.

I try to stall in the bathroom for as long as possible. I sit on the edge of the tub and stare down at my feet and try to pretend that they're interesting. But they're not. The only thing interesting about them is that my socks don't match, and that can't stop me from thinking about Craig. He probably thinks I'm in here taking a shit or something.

I can feel my stomach churning uncomfortably again and decide to raid Craig's medicine cabinet for some Tums. I find some Pepto Bismol instead and force myself to drink some of it down without thinking too much about how it tastes.

After returning the bottle to its rightful place, I decide that I can't stall anymore and force myself to go back to Craig's room. I nudge the door open with my foot and notice that the movie isn't playing anymore. Craig's turned it off in favor of listening to music. I try to figure out what song he's listening to, but it's something I don't recognize. Probably the hipster shit he always listens to. He has like this complex about his music taste being better than everyone else's.

I stand in the doorway a while and just watch Craig. I don't think he's noticed me yet. He's lying back on his bed with his arms all splayed out. It kinda looks like he's making a snow angel – or I guess it would be a sheet angel. No, that was bad. Never mind.

I walk toward him slowly until I'm leaning over him. His eyes are shut, so I still don't think he's noticed me. He actually looks really peaceful like that, not angry or bored like he usually does, just content, and I start to wonder if he's sleeping. I lean closer and place my hands on either side of his head. He's breathing really slow, so he probably is sleeping, but that doesn't stop me from kissing him.

I feel him take in a breath and open my eyes a bit to look at him, but his eyes are still closed. I can't tell if that's a good thing or not, but I guess I don't have to make that decision because I can feel his arms wrapping around my neck. And he's pulling me closer, but now I don't know what to do with my hands, so I just leave them where they are. And I don't know what to do with the rest of my body either, which makes me all fidgety. But now Craig's letting go, so I guess I should move anyway.

I pull my face away a bit and stare down at Craig, who's staring right back at me. He's breathing through his mouth, and his face is all red, and I start thinking that he's beautiful again because I can't help it. But something doesn't feel right all of a sudden. My body feels really light, and my head feels cloudy. So I blink again, and suddenly I'm back in the doorway and Craig's lying back on his bed the same as he was before.

And I start to wonder if I've lost my mind.

I stand in the doorway for a long time trying to decide whether or not to turn and run. But I guess I don't have to make that decision either because Craig is sitting up now, and he's already seen me. And I guess it would be kinda rude to turn and run now.

I'm feeling all fidgety again because Craig is staring at me, and he hasn't said anything and I'm starting to wonder if he can see all those things I've been imagining all night. I'm also wondering what time it is because I need something normal to think about and because I feel like I've been here for a long time.

"Are you just gonna stand there all day?"

For a second his question doesn't process in my brain, so I probably look kinda stupid just standing there blinking at him. And he gets that look on his face. That look he pulls when I've said or done something really dumb, where he raises one of his eyebrows and just kinda sits there and stares.

Eventually I wander over to the bed and sit down next to him, but now I'm feeling more fidgety than before because Craig's arm is touching mine, and I can see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I really want him to say something, but I'm afraid of what he's gonna say. I mean, what if he really can see all the things I've been imagining?

I try to swallow the lump building in my throat and force myself to look back at Craig. He looks kinda worried, but I can't be sure because his facial expressions never really change that much. He punched me once with a completely straight face. He just kinda looks bored all the time. When you hang out with him enough though, you start to learn the subtle differences.

"What's wrong with you?"

I can feel my eyes widen and swallow again without really saying anything. Craig just raises his eyebrow again and leans back on his hands. He finally stops looking at me, which makes me feel a lot less nervous. I don't even know why I'm feeling nervous.

Now Craig is looking at the ceiling, and I can't stop staring at his neck. I really want to touch him, but I'm sure he'd probably hit me. Now that this is real, I don't really have the courage to do anything. I just sit there and stare. I notice that his arm is still pressed against mine though, so I kind of lean into it a bit. He doesn't seem to notice at first, but then he turns his head back to me, and his eyes are wide open. And they're really dark.

I never used to pay attention to Craig's appearance until this past year, but now I notice everything. I notice how dark his eyes are and how black his hair is and how sometimes it looks red when different lights shine on it and how his facial expression never seems to change and how his teeth are kind of crooked and the really light freckles on his face that you can only really see if you pay attention, and I'm paying attention. I'm paying a lot of attention.

And we're both just staring at each other, saying nothing. I'm about to say something or clear my throat, I can't even remember, but now Craig has me by the front of my jacket and he's bunching it in his hands, and I'm just staring down at them because I don't know what to do, and I don't know what Craig is doing either.

I look away from his hands and back up to his face and just kinda watch him. His facial expression still hasn't changed though, and his grip is tightening on my jacket and before I know it he's pulling me toward him. And I don't know what to do, so I just squeeze my eyes shut and wait, but now he's kissing me. Craig is kissing me, and I'm starting to wonder if I'm imagining things again, but no. No, this kiss blows those imaginary ones out of the water because Craig is the one kissing me, and now he's wrapping his arms around my neck, and he just feels really warm. He feels so warm, and my brain just doesn't feel like it's working anymore.

But now I realize that I haven't done anything with my hands, so I sort of run them up his back to the back of his head, and I can feel him shake a little bit, which makes my stomach feel strange, but I ignore it and take his hat off instead. He usually gets mad when people touch his hat, but I don't think he cares right now because he hasn't said anything, and he hasn't stopped kissing me. So I set his hat down somewhere behind me and run my hands through his hair. And his hair is just as soft as I thought it would be.

Now he's tightening his arms around my neck, so I feel like I should move my hands. I run them back down his sides and feel him shake again and realize that I can't even remember who kissed who. But now I don't know what to do with my hands, so I just rest them on his waist and focus more on what my lips are doing.

I don't really need to worry about that though because now Craig is letting go of me, and I guess I should probably let go of him too, even though I don't really want to. And now he's staring at me, and his face is red just like how I imagined it would be but I don't know what to say to him, so I say the only thing I can think of.

"Did that really happen?" And now I realize how out of breath I sound and how stupid that probably sounded, and I'm thinking that that is the first thing I've said all night even though I'm sure I said something earlier. I mean, I had to have.

But now Craig is laughing at me, and I can't help thinking how nice his laugh sounds and how much I've missed it and how he really should smile more. And now I'm laughing too because his laugh is just one of those that gets you laughing even if you're not sure what you're supposed to be laughing at. But now he's not laughing anymore, and I can feel my stomach clenching because he's smiling at me. It's not a big smile, but I can still see it and I think it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I can't help smiling back.

"Dude, you tasted like Pepto Bismol." He laughs a little when he says it, which makes me smile more even though I'm sure it's me he's laughing at. "Please don't tell me you were just in there throwing up."

And now I'm laughing again, and I fall back on the bed and just completely lose it. And I'm sure Craig thinks I'm crazy, but I can't help it because I just realized I'm completely in love with my best friend and how completely strange that sounds.

"Dude are you okay?" Now he's laughing too, but I'm sure he isn't laughing for the same reason as me. "What's so funny?" And now I'm laughing so hard that I can't even answer him, and I can feel the tears running down my face and I'm finding it really hard to breathe, but I can't stop because I'm in love with Craig, and I'm sure he doesn't know, and I'm sure that that is completely insane. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm completely insane too.

But now Craig is leaning over me, and he's giving me that look again, that look he pulls when he thinks I've done something stupid. But this time he's smiling when he does it. "You gonna tell me what you're laughing about?"

And now I don't know what to say, and I've stopped laughing. I wipe the tears from my face and just lay there trying to decide what to say. But I'm drawing a blank, so I say the only thing I can think of.

"I love you."

Silence. I can feel my heart pounding and my stomach clenching, and it's kind of making me want to make a run for it. But now Craig's laughing again, like really laughing. And he's laying his head on my stomach, which is making both of us shake. And I want to laugh with him, but I can't do it. I'm scared and I feel sick and I'm really hoping he's not laughing at me although I'm sure he is.

But now he's looking at me, and he's kind of smiling again and it seems genuine to me, which is making me smile too even though I should be scared. And I can still feel his arms resting on my stomach, which is making me feel warm and happy and strange all at the same time.

We just keep staring at each other for a long time, what feels like forever but was probably only actually a few minutes. Then I realize that Craig still hasn't said anything back and that makes me nervous and scared all over again. I prop myself up on my elbows and just lay there looking at him, and he just lays there with his arms resting on my stomach, but now I notice that he isn't smiling anymore, and he's looking kind of serious. And now I want to cry but don't really know the reason, and he just keeps staring and not saying anything, which is making me kind of want to hit him or yell at him or do something to make him SAY SOMETHING.

"Clyde."

I look right at him and notice that his eyes are wide and his mouth is kind of open again, and now I know he's paying attention and this time I'm glad he is.

He licks his lips and takes in a deep breath, and I can feel his chest press against my stomach a bit when he does it.

"I love you too."

And now I'm laughing again, and he's smiling again, and I'm thinking that he should really smile more because his smile is really beautiful. And now I'm kissing him, or he's kissing me. I can't really remember now.

I guess it doesn't really matter.


End file.
